Paradioxical
by atemu1234
Summary: Basic parody of Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I Own NOTHING! Don't like, don't read, don't flame.
1. Chapter 1

ccParadioxical

Open Scene

Stupid kid: I'm king of the world!

Sweeney: Yes, there's no place like London.

Stupid: WTF?

Sweeney: Listen, kid. It's not my fault you didn't read the F***ing script, but at this point you're supposed to ask for a meaningless back story that is pretty much the backbone for the entire F***ing plot of this movie.

Stupid: Hey, aren't you the one who was framed for raping a girl and sentenced to spend forever and a day on this ship? And while you're out you're supposed to become a pirate and kill another pirate and get yourself killed and come back to life and…

Sweeney (hangs head in shame at talking to the moron): You're crossing scripts again, Jam- um, what's your name again?

Stupid: I don't remember.

Sweeney: Pirelli? No, no he was the weird fake Italian dude who sounded like he had literally no balls.

Toby: Hey, am I supposed to play the abused kid yet?

Sweeney (Kicks kid off stage): STFU, moron. That's two pages from here, and at the rate of this movie, that's eternity. Go away or it won't only be sir Unich-a-lot that kicks your ass from here to Venice.

Stupid: I'm king of the-

Sweeney (pushing kid into the water): Shut up, you little brat-!

(Sweeney realizes they docked and the kid went through the dock into the water)

Sweeney: Whoops. Now look what you made me do, you stupid kid. You have to pay for this.

(Sweeney walks off the boat and starts heading to a currently undisclosed location)

Sweeney: There's a hole in the world like a great big pit and sunshines and lollipops inhabit it and… Wait, WTF? LINE!


	2. Chapter 2

At Lovett's meat pies

Miss Lovett: Wait! What's your rush, what's your hurry?

Sweeney: Oh damn it; it's another Johnny Depp fangirl. This is why I moved to the Caribbean!

Lovett: I thought you were a ghost.

Sweeney: Oh, worse. It's a deluded Johnny Depp fangirl. That's why I moved to England, and here I am. F*** it.

Toby: 'Ello!

Sweeney: Oh, great, it's a Johnny Depp fanboy. That's why I- Hey, Toby!

Toby: Yes?

Sweeney: Go the F*** away you idiot. You show up in another chapter. Go away!

Lovett: Are you a homicidal barber?

Sweeney (Sarcastically): No, I'm the F***ing candy man. What the hell do you think?

Lovett: So you aren't?

Sweeney: Idiots… Yes, I'm the damn barber. Why I took this script in the first place I don't know.

Lovett: So you don't have candy?"

Sweeney pulls out a cyanide chew: Um… No… Here's one!

Lovett (Eats chew): Yum! By the way, I have these convenient straight razors that somehow haven't been rusted at all in 18 years.

Sweeney (Sighing): How convenient to the plot. (Lovett keels over and dies.) Well, that's better. (She sits up) Damn it.


	3. Chapter 3

Marketplace

Sweeney (turns around): Damn it, the fangirl is still stalking me. And now she's staring at me with those weird eyes.

Rat Bastard: Master Sn- Turpin would like three portions of meat and four portions of…

Sweeney: Hey look, it's a rat that's a bastard. You don't see those often. Especially in that size. I want to kill him.

Lovett (Grabs his hand): Wait, love, wait.

Sweeney (Jumps a foot into the air): AAAAAHHHHH! Oh, It's only you. Wait, AAAAAHHHHH!

Lovett: Hey look, it's Mario (Yes, yes. You will all know what that means in the end.)

Sweeney: What are you talking about? That's just Toby. Hey, nice hair.

Toby: Try Pirelli's Miracle elixir!

Sweeney: Can I at least kill this one?

Lovett: Oh my god, the stuff their passing around doesn't taste like maple syrup at all. It tastes like piss.

Sweeney (Brightens up from completely Emo to completely depressing.): Smells like piss.

Pirelli: Did you say my elixir smells like piss?

Sweeney: Wow. That Jimsonweed I took really took its toll. I'm seeing badly dressed Italians.

Lovett: Do you want to try my meat pies?

Sweeney: I think you just went into that business to be able to make bad sex references.

Pirelli: I challenge you to a barber's contest.

Sweeney: I decline.

Pirelli: But I know who you are, Benjamin Barker.

(Crowd gasps.)

Sweeney: Big whoop. I put a white streak in my hair. But, you know what, just to show off how badass I am, I'll take that bet.

(Five minutes later)

Rat Bastard: Begin!

(Pirelli starts singing some goddamn tune I don't have time to parody)

(When Pirelli hits the high notes that make the dog start howling and people to pray for either the song to end or the apocalypse to come)

Rat Bastard: Sweeney Todd wins!

Sweeney: My last name is Todd…? I mean, um, that's me.

Rat Bastard: You know Todd, I'm a closet…


	4. Chapter 4

Sweeney's first meeting with Turpin

Sweeney: What can I do for you sir?

Turpin: I need a direction to the local brothels.

Sweeney: How about a haircut?

Turpin: That works for me.

Sweeney: Are you going to get into the chair?

Turpin: You have to carry me.

Sweeney: You've got to be F***ing kidding me.

Turpin: Do it, slave!

Sweeney: Fine.

(Sweeney drags Turpin into the chair.)

(Sweeney starts cutting Turpin's hair.)

Turpin: You have to sing a song.

Sweeney: Okay, now, you have to be ultra F***ing kidding me. What are you, five?

Turpin: Do it or I behead you.

Sweeney: Okay.

(Sweeney sings

_Warm yourself by the fire, son._

_The morning will come soon._

_I'll tell you tales of a better time_

_In a place that we once knew._

_Before we packed our bags and left this-)_

Turpin: No, it goes-

(Turpin sings off key

_Pretty Women, Pretty women, standing in the-_)

Sweeney: F*** No, Bitch.

Turpin (Huffy): Fine. I'm leaving.

Sweeney: But you look like Bozo the clown with a beard.

Turpin: I don't care.

(Turpin begins to leave and the Stupid Kid appears in the door as Turpin is leaving)

Stupid: Mr. Todd!

Turpin: Shut up!

(Turpin shoves him down the stairs.)

(Pirelli walks in)

(Sweeney stares at Pirelli)

Pirelli: I met him at AA!

Sweeney: Alcoholics Anonymous?

Pirelli: No, Assholes Anonymous.

Pirelli: I'm here to blackmail you or I'll tell everyone you're Benji Barker.

Sweeney: No. (Evil smile.)

Pirelli: Why?

(Sweeney hits him with a kettle and slits his throat and puts the body in a box.

Toby (Walks in): Where's Mister P?

Sweeney: Forget he was here. (Hands Toby a bottle of Tequila)

Toby: This was my masters!

Sweeney: Um… no it wasn't?


	5. Chapter 5

Murder King

Lovett: Can I kiss you yet?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: No.

Lovett: Now?

Sweeney: God Damn it, NO! N-O, Bell-Lovett.

Lovett: Can you kill more people so I can make pies from their flesh?

Sweeney: Why not, if it'll get you to shut up.

_**Shortest and dumbest chapter yet, but the last one was longer.**_


	6. Chapter 6

Sweeney's training montage

Sweeney (To the tune of _Eye of the Tiger_): Cut, Slice, slice, slice!

Sweeney: Eye of the Barber and I'm back on the streets, cutting up assholes like Turpin. Hey look, there's an asshole I'll give him a coupon, on a one-way ticket to hell, eye of the barber…

Toby: Hey Mr. Sweeney I've met a guy there, and he has a big wristwatch. I think he might want a haircut, so he's coming in right now…

Sweeney (Pushes Toby off the stairs): Oh, hello Sir, you look lovely. How would you like a haircut that starts say, right below the neck… Eye of the barber… Cut, Slice, Slice, Slice, Eye of the Barber

Lovett: OMG, can I get a haircut?

Sweeney (Evil eye): Sure, Love.

Lovett: Yay…

Sweeney: MWA HA HA HA HA!

Sweeney's angel on right shoulder: But Mr. Todd, you need her to dispose of the bodies.

Sweeney's Devil on left shoulder: Or they could replace her…

Sweeney's Angel: But you might need to kill her for plot purposes later that I cannot disclose at this moment due to the fact it would break the fourth wall.

Sweeney: Okay, I'll not kill her.

Lovett (Standing on trapdoor): Oro?

Sweeney's thoughts: Great! A deluded _Anime_ Johnny Depp fangirl from F***ing England. What the F*** is this? A bad Fanfic? (Steps on button to release trapdoor.


	7. Chapter 7

Sweeney: Hey, here comes Darth Balls-a-little

Turpin (Comes through door): I need a haircut. And a ball transplant.

(Sweeney turns around) Sweeney (Mutters): Called it.

Turpin: Hello?

Sweeney: Um, yes, sit in the chair.

Turpin: This place looks familiar.

Sweeney (Thinks): He doesn't remember this place? You've got to be F***ing kidding me.

Turpin: I need you to sing "Pretty Women" with me.

Sweeney: Or what?

Turpin: You get hung by the neck until dead for a crime you didn't commit.

Sweeney: First… get in the chair.

(Turpin sits in chair)

Turpin: Now what?

Sweeney: Do you know who I am?

Turpin: No.

Sweeney (Splashes black ink on white stripe of hair): How about now?

Turpin: Yes! You're… Johnny Depp?

Sweeney: Am I the only F***ing guy who read the strip who has a set of balls?

Lovett (From downstairs): I did!

Sweeney: Yeah but you don't… okay, not going down that road.

Turpin: Wait! You're… Jim Carrey?

Sweeney: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE CONFUSE US!

_**EPIC SWEENEY RAGE TIME**_

Sweeney: You raped my woman (Stabs Turpin) You send me on a boat to F***ing LA (Stabs Turpin again) Then you forget me? (Stabs Turpin) And you forget the Script! God have mercy on your soul, you moron.

(Johanna sneaks in and hides)

Turpin: Will you read me the story about the bunny?

Sweeney: … Wait. You aren't dead yet? How about now? (Pushes button for trapdoor.)

(Lucy in disguise walks in)

(Lucy stands on the trapdoor)

Lucy: Did you see the rabbit run in here?

_**Okay, I admit I came up with Lucy's character last minute. I based it off of that one druggy from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. (Of course, in this case, she loves the rabbit, because she is insane.)**_

Sweeney: It went down the trapdoor.

Lucy: What? (Falls down trapdoor.) Here I come rabbit!

Sweeney: … Ah… Silence…

(Hears Lovett scream:

Sweeney: Ah, screams of Johnny Depp fangirls dying horrible deaths. Wait… That means one of the people I killed is still alive. Damn It!


	8. Chapter 8

(Sweeney Ran Downstairs and saw Turpin clawing his way towards Lovett)

Turpin: Must… Rape…

Sweeney: Holy F***!

Lovett: Go away, Sn- Turpin!

Sweeney (Throws the straight razor at Turpin): Hee-yah!

Turpin: Gakk…

Lovett: Hey, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, do you want to throw this insane woman into the furnace who incidentally looks like your wife who I never ever, ever, ever lied about dying instead of going insane which was actually what happened.

Sweeney: Okay, what the he-… HEY! What the hell is my wife doing in your basement?

Lovett: Ummm… Marinating?

Sweeney: Are you lying to me?

Lovett: I just wanted you to love me and marry me and do me and help me kill cats and kill Harr-

Sweeney: Can you waltz?

Lovett (Flustered): Yes…?

Sweeney (Starts playing ballroom dance music: Da na, na na, na na, na na na… (Starts dancing with Ms. Lovett )

Toby (Head peeping over the edge of giant sewage pump in basement) (Mario theme song playing): Mama Mea!

Ms. Lovett: Oh, Mr. Todd, this is wonderful…

Sweeney: Yes, it is, love. (Throws her into open furnace)

Ms. Lovett: Holy F***, I could have never seen this completely complex plot twist ever occurring! ! (Furnace door closes)

Sweeney: Aah, the sounds of fangirls dying slowly. Speaking of death, hi Luce!

Lucy (Choking on own blood): hHave you… (Cough, Cough) seen my rabbit?

Sweeney: Yes, love. Wait… what the hell? Continuat-aak! (Toby slits his throat)

Lucy (Dying): See you on the other side, rabbit…

Toby: I can start my new series… How does Toby Twist sound?

Sweeney Zombie: F*** no, B****! (Eats Toby's brains.)

PROLOGUE:

(On a cloud) Sweeney: Ahhh… so this is heaven… no fangirls…

Deep voice of Satan: F*** no, B****!

Sweeney: What?

Lovett (Multiplying next to him): Will you marry me?

Sweeney: NOOOO!

Lovett (No less than 500 of her so far): 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around…

Sweeney:…

AN-


End file.
